It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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