can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
