Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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