guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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