update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
