I faked an abortion last night.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
