Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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