everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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