I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
