I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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