margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
