I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Randomize
