You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
