You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
