my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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