I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So much rum. So many feels.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
