she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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