ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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