Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
this is an emotional support booty call
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
there is puke in my bra ... again
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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