One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
