As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
