He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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