Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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