dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
