I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
