He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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