Someone shit on the floor
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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