I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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