I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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