there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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