Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
