I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Randomize
