i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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