just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
