He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My vagina is officially offended.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
