i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
