I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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