If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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