Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
