I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
