PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
