it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
