First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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