I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
