I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
