I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
