There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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