Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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