Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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