3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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