i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
