I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Randomize
