fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
The power of my boobs compel you
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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