my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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