i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
