dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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