Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
