I'm going to rape someone's good day.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
