Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
