Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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