I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
