everyone is single if you try hard enough
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
