Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
