I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
At least life still wants to fuck me.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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